I think I'm dating my blog.

So last night turned out to be a night of hysterical events starting with gabbing and dinner with a friend. We actually were dressed and had out makeup on by 7 pm with no plans to leave before 9. We online dated, swapped hotlists and drank and drank. We cackled in the subway station and tried to make friends on the train. We finally made it to the party in our get-ups drank $7.00 beer. I vomited. Evidently from the shot we took prior to leaving the house. The party was fun, music was good but it was far too crowded.

I opted to leave for a posh Bar Mitzvah party that I wasn't even invited to. On my way I called to confirm my date for this morning to have brunch with a guy who seems funny, but I just knew we wouldn't click in person. He works from home, seems to be a free spirit, with no "real" plans, it seemed, but we were on!

The Bar Mitzvah party was such a good time. Open bar, great music and partying with one of my favourite families in a posh and fabulous venue. We danced and danced and took hilarious pictures. I got the warmest welcome and didn't feel out of place, even though my mother would be embarrassed.

At about 1:30 am which was really 12:30 am, we went home for a serious feeding of chicken wings, pizza and fries.

This morning I got a phone call at 10 am from the date that his plans changed so we should go out earlier. I concurred so we went for a quick bite and grocery shopping. Totally nice guy but as I predicted not for me. He is a perfect gentleman, very good looking face and attractive personality but we did not click. So, it's 12:41 pm and I'm looking for the next victim.

My 15 minutes.

So my 15 minutes of fame has occurred. It occurred at 7 am on a Saturday morning. I rushed over to the nearest handymart to pick up the Saturday issue of the Toronto Star to check on the "feature" in condo generation. I am thoroughly impressed with the article and the chosen photos. I actually CAN have faith in other people! Who knew?!

I have an extra spring in my step even though it's so early and I stayed up last night to watch "The Exorcist". Just long enough, until I got nearly got too frightened to head to the bed.
Today I'll focus on the final touches to the sexy seniorita costume and get ready to give 'er tonight.

The jackass of them all!

So I decided to be more spontaneous and into "non-dates" this week. I got in touch with a dude from Jdate who I tagged as a beefcake, a meathead and a player. He was all of the above.
The plan was to have dinner together at his place which was intended to be casual with no pressure. I brought over a Greek salad which likely had too many carbs for the guy, so he opted out. He took my coat, offered me a glass of wine and we sat on the couch and chatted. About life, our careers, our families and what we think is funny. He claimed he had to call a client to which I responded, "Do what you gotta do, I don't care". I sensed the guy was full of himself from the 3 phone calls I had with him. My attitude was confirmed once he told me that he knows over 2000 people, most of which live in "his" complex, and once I saw all of his bodybuilding pics strewn around the condo. He does well in his industry. He's a mover and a shaker and as of last night, prior to ever meeting him I told him that he is full of bravado. He still wanted to hang out. I told him that I am not a former bodybuilder and that I'm 5'9, no heels. He said it was all "cool". That height doesn't bother him and I told him that my first (and only real) love is 5'3.
This is where is gets good. He came back from his supposed call to a client and said, and I quote, "You're just not my ideal body type." I responded with, "that's great, because you're nowhere near mine." He said, "You have a beautiful face and great lips". I responded with, "That's great. Would you like me to pick you apart?" He said "no." I asked him if he has "little man syndrome" (he's 5'8/5'7) and he said, "No." His rebuttal to my comment was, "How do you know that I'm not concerned about your height?" The jackass knew that I am 5'9 and it didn't appear to be an issue. I told him that he has no tact and that obviously his mother never taught him that if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. I told him that he is rude and a jerk. I should have told him that he's not particularly attractive, dresses terribly and has a lisp, but I didn't. Some of us have common sense. I did, however, tell him to have a nice life.

My next focus

So I tidied up the loft and got pseudo-focused for this week. Planned a couple of lessons, thought about what's upcoming and I realized that it's Halloween next weekend. Being 26, one might think that I am beyond such an occassion. This isn't the case. I love a good party and I love dressing up, so naturally I'm getting pumped for the costume idea. It's at a bar with all sorts so I've got to put a little more effort into this one. I'd rather go clever than slutty, funny than typical. I'll be researching this one for sure!
I did purchase a new book this weekend sticking with my parameters of mindless reading and best sellers list. It's about a stay at home dad who falls in love with a woman on the internet. Sounds scandalous. In fact, I'm going to curl up with it right now.

The reality of it all!

So, Mom and Leah and I had a blast tonight but I came home to this email: (there's a real pleasure to look ahead to. Also, we educated our cab driver that his wife has NOT lost her beauty regardless of her cesarean scars. A real jackass!)


COMPLETE WITH AUDIO!!

This was emailed to me (don't bother to ask by who, I promised secrecy) and it's about three or so weeks old. And before you give me crap for posting it, trust me, it was forwarded about 22 times before it hit me, so it's definitely out there. I'm not printing anything that doesn't already exist.

Our story opens with some background: For the uninitiated, (those who don't live in either New York, Florida, Los Angeles, or Israel,) J-Date is match.com for Jews. I've used it. I've had a few good dates from it, a few horrible dates from it, like most everyone has.

And when you have one of those horrible dates, you chalk it up. "Oh, it was just dinner," you say.

That's life. There'll be other dates. Right?

I mean, that's what we all do, yes?

NOT DARREN SHERMAN. Darren just felt... Well, "wronged."

So let's start here: Darren's profile reads:

About me:

I joined JDate four weeks ago. Cute, tall and funny best describes me!
I am a person whom is usually on the go, particularly in the warm
weather. In the summertime you can typically find me on the beaches in the
Hampton's or New Jersey shore. In the wintertime I enjoy taking drives
to beautiful towns such as Lambertsville, Red Bank, Katonah, Port
Jefferson and Greenwich. "People watching" can be an easily enjoyable
activity for me. I own a management consulting firm assisting financial
institutions with regulatory issues. I travel extensively for business and
pleasure.

I am looking for:

I am on JDate to find someone special. I have no set rules per se on
dating someone younger/older (20-40). I have learned that age really does
not matter; so why limit any possibilities in finding a life long
partner. Wouldn't you agree? Physcial characteristics: Preferably tall and
medium build. Mentally: Fun and easy going. Someone who is comfortable
with themselves. I love a good jokester so please be funny!

Below is a little bit more about me from a professional perspective.
(Hey, JDating is serious business :-)

Biography of Darren L. Sherman:

Mr. Darren L. Sherman is CEO of a
consultation firm providing regulatory compliance and internal audit
assistance to..blah blah. Darren previously served as a Senior
Investigator for the ..blah blah.

References are available upon request :-)

I hope we get the chance to finally meet!

Darren

_____

So Darren asks Joanne out. Joanne accepts. They eat at China Grill. (Nice restaurant. I've been there.) Darren pays, despite Joanne offering to split the check.

At some point after the meal, Darren gets the idea that Joanne didn't like him.

Rather than just chalk it up to a bad date (hey, it happens, right?) Darren... Well, Darren has other plans.

DARREN EMAILS JOANNE ASKING HER TO SEND HIM $50 FOR HER PORTION OF DINNER.

Yes. I paused and re-read that about 30 times, too.

I couldn't be serious, could I? He actually didn't email that, did he? Oh, but he did:

From: Darren Sherman
Date: Jun 19, 2006 8:48 PM
Subject: Date
To: xxxxx@xxxxxx.com
:
Cc:


Sorry things didn't work out. I guess you changed your
mind.
Here is my address for the $50 bucks:
East Street, Apt. 504
NY NY 10028
Take care,
Darren

_______

OK. So Darren's a bit odd. Fine. He emailed her, she didn't respond, and he let it go. Right?

Come on. What kind of story would that be?

Darren CALLED HER AND LEFT A VOICE MAIL, THREATENING TO SEND HER A SUMMONS IF SHE DOESN'T PAY HER SHARE OF THE BILL!

(Insert Jerry Springer "OH NO HE DIDN'T" line here.)

But he did.

Listen here:

Download VM-01-1.wav

So Joanne goes to work, after hearing that email on her mobile phone voice mail the night before, and before she can even say the world "stalker," she gets the following email:

From: Darren Sherman
Date: Jun 20, 2006 8:13 AM
Subject: Darren
To: xxxxx@xxxxxx.com
:
Cc:


Joanne,

I wanted to follow up on my email and call to you last night to ensure you received my messages for the $50.

Please acknowledge by replying to this email that you will be sending me the $50.

I hope you understand from my point of view.

Thanks,
Darren

________

Um... OK. This is just getting weird. It ends here, right.

Heh. Yeah. Right.

Joanne sends the following email back to Darren:

Darren,

I just received your emails and also your message from last night. I was away and am just getting back this morning. I had every intention of calling you andmeeting to go out but your email has completely turned me off and i find it extremely tacky. I will not be sending you any money since i offered that night to pay and you told me no that you would take care of it.

Please do not call me or send me another email i would rather not hear from you at all. And for future reference in the dating world you may want to rethink the tacky approach about asking someone for money like that perhaps that is why you haven't met anyone or have seen them again.

__________

Go Joanne!! Way to show a backbone! Nice!

This, of course, (as you could have guessed,) just sends Darren to the next level.

HE CUTS AND PASTES HIS AMEX BILL INTO AN EMAIL!!!

From: Darren Sherman
Date: Jun 20, 2006 10:22 AM
Subject: American Express Bill
To: xxxxx@xxxxxx.com
:

06/04/2006
CHINA GRILL NEW YORK NY
FOOD/BEVERAGE
FOOD-BEV 107.83
TIP 20.00
Reference No: 320061560288086573
More Detail
127.83

Do the right thing Joanne.

Thanks,
Darren

__________

Words fail me.

About four hours later, DarrenStalker (TM) strikes again, sending another voice mail, telling Joanne that she's "hiding behind email," and now he's going to "contact her employer."

There aren't big enough letters on my keyboard to type "WTF?"

Listen here, and try not to snort soda out of your nose.

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After receiving this barrage of communications, Joanne decides to fire off an email to Darren to end this once and for all:

From: xxxxx@xxxxxx.com
:
Date: Jun 20, 2006 2:38 PM
Subject:
To: Darren Sherman

Darren

I am truly sorry it didn't work out. You seemed like a nice guy, but after your voice mails you have now entered the world of a first class creep. Dating is not business, I offered to go dutch at the time the bill came and you declined, as far as I am concerned that is the end of the story. I didn't know that your paying the bill was contingent on me going out with you again.

Once again, I think you need to look internally as to why things are not working out for you in the dating world. You had mentioned that you had been burned several times, and I am sorry if you feel that it has happened to you again, but perhaps it is your approach in dealing with others that leads to this. Dating and relationships and business are completely different and there is not a quid pro quo for eating and drinking on a date. If this is how you think it works, perhaps you should get consult a professional who I could take care of all of your needs. If I remember correctly it was your choice to go out for dinner, I would have been just as happy to take a walk in the park to get to know you.

With that said, please feel free to call my employer or issue a summons if you think that this will help. Your message has said that you will not drop this, and I am not one to be bullied or threatened. I have saved all your messages and if you chose to go ahead with your threats then I will be more than happy to notify the proper authorities and get a restraining order. I will also let your clients and employees know about your erratic and bizarre behavior.

Joanne.

_________

I do love her backbone.

Does this phase Stalker-Darren? (Who should totally be a comic strip character and should fight the Green Lantern or something...)

No, it does not phase Stalker-Darren.

Darren calls her OFFICE, again threatening the summons, and offering up this pearl of Darren-Wisdom: "You ate the food, you drank the wine, Pay your bill."

Words fail me here, guys. And seriously - for a publicist? That's rare.

Listen here:

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And of course, much like the Ginsu Knives commercial, just wait. There's MORE!

After another 28 minutes, Darren calls her cell phone AGAIN!! This time, (and I implore you - sit down for this one) he lets Joanne know that he's CALLED CHINA GRILL TO REPORT A DISCREPENCY IN THE BILL!

Yes, you read that right. Darren has told Joanne that he called China Grill to speak to the General Manager to explain that he should not have been charged for the entire meal - i.e., He expects China Grill to call Joanne and get her half of the bill, and credit his AmEx.
People, I have no motive for lying. You can't make this stuff up. Listen to the fourth voice mail here:

Download VM-04-4.wav

Finally, the fifth voice mail. From CHINA GRILL! They called, apparently as confused as we all are, asking Joanne what the heck was going on.

Download VM-05.WAV

PR props to China Grill - When Joanne told them the story, they not only told her to not worry about the bill, but offered her a free drink the next time she stopped in. WELL DONE, China Grill's GM. Someone got their PR training. Bravo.

At this point, kids, that's where our story ends. Who knows what evil lurks in the heart of Darren Sherman - Perhaps he's filing a "stop payment" on his Amex Bill... Or perhaps he's given up J-Date all together.

One thing we do know, though - (and how many times have I said this?) It you put it out there, either on a voice mail, email, fax, or the Internet, it WILL come back to bite you in the ass.

You don't believe me?

Just ask Darren Sherman.


PS- Reminds me of a certain Darren who used to steal rolls of toilet paper from hotels.

P.S.

I totally forgot to mention that I lingered in the lobby last night for approximately 30 minutes just so I could see a glimpse of the broad. I'm not normal.
Just prepping for Mom and sister's arrival and a weekend of eating, drinking, shopping and laughing.

Ugh, men!

So I decided to hook up again with the diplomat, even though he annoys me with his unreliability and such. We hung out, ate Greek salad and then he got a phone call from another broad. I knew because I leaned over and heard her voice. She said, "I was going to go out, but my friend bailed, so I was thinking about coming there". He sort of grunted because he was CAUGHT. He never did have to be accountable to me, but to make plans with another woman later in the evening after I just shared my Greek salad with him, is disgusting and piggish. I called him a dirty Israeli and told him that he confirmed my suspicions. I then told him to have a nice life. I spoke and I didn't scream and told him that this is why men are considered pigs by many women. Just a reality, really.
I do have a prospect in the works. A local boy who seems funny and cute on msn. I sound 16 years old.

Age IS a factor!

So I went out tonight with a 47 year old. We both knew that it wouldn't go anywhere, but it was hilarious. The guy is from Winnipeg so we talked about everyone we know, all things Winnipeg and how difficult it is to meet cool people. We left and he said, "keep smiling, you're going to do very well in life". So kind. From his mouth to God's ear.
I played hockey and really gave 'er. Some jackass who hipchecked me earlier in the game, crosschecked me late in the third period. I yelled, "what the fuck?! that's the best you can do?!" then I double handed slashed him and got a penalty. He got kicked out of the game.
In other news, I now have an email contact from a dude who's much closer to my age and he sounds cool. We'll chat and I'll investigate before I commit to a painful date. It's 1 am and I'm waking up again in 6 hours. Ugh, feh!

The giggles

We had the giggles. It took 2.5 brownies for me and we laughed and laughed and took hilarious pictures. There was body heat and the salsa and guacamole were slightly spicy. About 25 people made an appearance and it was a very funny mix of people. Everyone seemed to have fun and nobody even complained about my chosen playlist from the iPod. Today the day will be spent under the fleece blanket with pockets for the feet on the couch. It's raining and it's time to chill. If it gets too cold, I make have to invest in some toe socks, they are a sight to behold.

An icebox!

So it's not warm outside, nor is it warm in here. It's cold actually and my nose is running. I also woke up with a real beauty of a cold sore just in time for the party. I'm going to try to zap it while I take a nap. I'll keep you posted. I left scathing messages for the builder yet again. They obviously NEVER pick up their phones. I'm contacting the journalist who wrote the Toronto Star article to bash the builder. Hopefully she'll be able to insert it in the article. The builders say that they're waiting for a part. For fuck's sake, we don't live in Kazakstan and it's WINTER here. Some may firmly believe that I should watch what I say because they ultimately have to help me. Evidently they're not helping me, nor do they care about me so fuck 'em! Others may say that I should get a heater. Why? So they don't really have to do anything and I can have something else in the loft that I don't actually need. Hopefully there will be some serious body heat in here tonight.

Guess whose back?!

I feel less stressed, more in touch and back to myself. Rogers cable came today and I am w-i-r-e-l-e-s-s, even in my bedroom. Over the past while I've recuperated from Mara's visit and planned for her permanent arrival. I also had my 15 minutes of fame interview for the Toronto Star and started prepping for the shaker tomorrow night. I've titled the event "A Salt and PFEFFER shaker". I thought it was pretty clever. I've invited nearly 35 people and there are 8 affirmative responses with 6 of those being women. People are unreliable, but it should turn out to be good times.
PS- I ate the remainder of the cheese ball from Yom Kippur. I feel ill.

I love my life!

So since I blogged last, SO much has occurred. I had my photo shoot, which made me cackle. The photographer got me doing all sorts of things, including chopping a tomato and raising a glass of wine. He then asked me to lay on my bed and play with my computer, to which I replied, "let's remember I'm a teacher, this can't get too porno". He laughed. I really need to see those proofs before they go to print. Mara arrived and we laughed all night long. Good times.
Today is the garage sale. I've never seen such hoards of people. The hosts were awoken at 8 am to ethnic men asking for spare appliance parts, laptops and combustibles. Do you think that's normal? Should we call the organized crimes unit?
We pulled up at 8:45, the sale was not to start until 10 am. There were cat fights about costume jewelry, price negotiating and some insane human beings. Hilarious.
We're going strong and it's only 11 am. I think I'll walk away with $100. Not bad for a day's work!

Another preoccupation

So, the beauty of being back in Toronto is that I have all sorts of plans. A garage sale this weekend, a friend visiting for partying and shopping and I'm planning a party for next week. I check the evite, who else has read the evite and who has replied almost as frequently as I check my email. It's wonderful. Seeing as though I've almost given up entirely on being a serial online dater, it gives me something else to peruse.

Such a Balebusta!

I dig entertaining. I love prepping, setting up and serving food. My nearest and dearest came over for a spread of dairy fare including a cheese ball, which I actually found too sweet. It was bagels, tuna mix, cream cheese and roasted red pepper and basil salmon and litres of vino blanco. There are also three vases of flowers in my loft. I love it. I actually ran out of vases. That's a good sign of lovin'! My mommy, Lainie, Nicky and Nancy all provided the beauty. Thanks ladies!
Tonight I loved my place. All is set up and very functional to accommodate guests. My baba and my mother would be SO proud. I even had the Pfeffer traditional shot of rye to break the fast. In fact, I don't have shot glasses, so Bryan and I choked back a 1/4 of a tumbler of Canadian Club.
If I ever figure out how to upload pictures on this blog, I'll share them with you. For the time being, I'll take orzo salad and salmon for lunch.

I am SUCH a bitch and I love it!

So I got the call this morning that the table was here. I ran down like a little kid at 11 am to meet the owner of the company who himself is doing the delivery. He's an old country Italian dude who says, "how would you like to pay for this"? I got red in the face and got worked up because the movers hadn't paid the balance. Those fuckers. The Italian was ready to leave. He has no time for this, he has a 4 million dollar business and no time for me. I sat in his trunk and thought quickly. I told him that there is no way that he is leaving with my table. I phoned my uncle Harvey who recommended those movers and I was phoned back within minutes with the owner's home phone number. He was PISSED! He called me "a piece of work" and said that in my life I life to play the victim. He couldn't be further from the truth and I commended him on personally attacking me, very mature! I told him that his hokey company fucked this up and he will pay and he will pay today. He also claimed that he had no method of payment at home. I told him that I find it hard to believe that he doesn't carry his company card with him and within minutes, the balance was paid. He's a fuckin' shmuck!
The Italian and I walked up stairs and cursed the mover the entire way down the hall. I thanked Nik for being so understanding. I also persuaded him to open the jar. He used a spoon and pried the lid away from the jar. He was devastated that I already had the hammer out. We hugged and embraced. Onto the cooking!

The jar

I'm not interested in participating in activities that I'm not good at. Hence the sports and games I choose to play. I'll play scrabble, but I won't play backgammon. I'll play hockey, but not tennis. I'll cook because I'm good at seasoning and doubling recipes, but only when I can get the fuckin' jar open. I've tried everything. Hot water, smacking the bottom, rubber bands, boiling water, hitting it on the counter and still NO movement. I even went out and bought a silicone gripper to get it open. No luck. My wrist feels like it's going to snap each time I attempt and I've tried at least 1 dozen times. I don't like when I can't do something. It frustrates me. I was calmed by gorgeous surprise flowers sent by my mother. I haven't gotten flowers in months. There's something to be said about the delivery and the anticipation of the card. She's the best. I got a few more things done this afternoon and tomorrow is the preamble to the day of atonement. Oy, am I going to be beating my chest this year?!
My table is to be delivered tomorrow morning at 10 am by the owner of the furniture store, so he says. If he is unable to open the jar, I am taking a hammer to it.